Hello

Not very often do I have a nice quiet night, so I thought I would send a note to update what has been going on... Rick had taken the two older kids to see the Elk River Elks Hockey team. that leaves me and the two little ones home... just got done giving baths, and now they are playing puppies - pretending to be dogs, and I am catching up on every ones blog. Love to see what you all have been up to...

I was pretty shocked and disappointed when I decided to start thinking about lent TODAY, today I googled to see when it starts...I have never participated in lent before, but I had a big dream this year, I have so much that I need to give up that I was gonna do a big one and really put my heart into it! I was gonna pray about it, ponder it for days, do some research on it and see what direction God points me in.. I wanted to make a big deal about this, really put the time into so I wasn't setting my self up for failure! HELLO IT STARTS TOMORROW! so all day I had my underwear in a bundle trying to figure out what God wanted me to do.

Out of them all, I figured the one thing i struggled with for the longest is what I was gonna do!
For years now, I believe I have done parenting my way. I always say I want God to be the foundation of my parenting, of my life, in my heart I want him to be the center of my existence. I don't think I have set a very good example, does my life reflect that? Do my kids see that? I surely don't think I am raising them or equipping them with what it's gonna take to be a successful, caring, loving, god fearing - (in a good way) person in life. When I am angry I scream and sometimes say demeaning things, and use sarcasm on a regular bases, I threaten and threaten and never follow thru with my threat, I have made promises and sometimes break them, Alot of times I take the easy way out let them get there way because I didn't want to have to deal with it. I make rules and hand out consequences that don't last or never happen... I am tired of tired, run over and terrorized. I have no one to blame but myself... Most of all I am scared to death that I am hurting them in the long run and setting us up for a disastrous family in the future! The best way to teach these kids about life is to live it well, be an example.
So there you have it.. that's what I am doing for lent! that sounds silly I know.. isn't that just common sense? All I know is I have tried this and I have tried that, and maybe if I do it this way, and that.. I know I will make chart and we will go by that, I will make a clip bored to mark off all your does.. I am done with it all. I am handing it all over to God... I am going to pray like never before to ask for his guidance in raising these kids and I know I will not be asking for his guidance this once, I will be doing this several probably a hundred times a day!

I love my kids so why am I letting them get away with murder? when they said it will take a village to raise one kid, how many villages is it gonna take to raise my 4!!! I have a lot on my plate and I can't do it alone anymore. From now on I am going to the big guy for something as little as can I have choc. before dinner, because evidently I don't have the balls to stand up for what is right heck it isn't even the balls it's the patience, the strength... I am so dang tired... but as i can see it doesn't get easier... it's gonna get harder! and harder! So move over Nanny 911! My kids don't have a chance with God on my side!

If this note makes my kids sound like bad kids they most certainly are not! This is all about me and my shortcomings.. Hey there kids... the learn what they live!

Pray for me! I will need it!